My wife brought me a present at work the other day - it was a fish and a frog in a plastic fishbowl. She was so happy as she pulled it out of the bag - wanting to surprise me - wanting to bring some color to my dull drab cubicle bound days.
But then I looked up from the fish and frog into her face - her beaming smile had vanished - her eyes moist and red - fighting back tears. What had done this to her?!! What had upset her like this? As usual, it was I.
I can plead innocent of any malice aforethought - mine was not a crime of intent. But I had reacted. And not in the way she had hoped. It was fleeting - but it was enough. She knew I didn't want the fish there.
I knew it as well. But I didn't know why. I came up with many nice rationalizations - it's too much work - I'll be away from the office to much to take care of them properly - it might even smell. I was right about all of these. But I think she and I both knew that didn't really explain my reaction.
Over a week later, I think I've just now come to the answer. Maybe I'm a little slow. Or maybe this is the kind of thing we don't like to admit to ourselves. But I think my reaction was really that having a fish at work is simply not within the social norm of the office -- its not conforming -- its simply not done. I do think that was the reaction she saw that upset her. I think the first thought in my head when I saw the fish was "You don't have fish at work!"
The rationalizations then followed.
(In fact, I just realized, I've never seen any co-worker's spouse at my workplace, drab place that it is, so I was probably already a little selfconscious to begin with.)
All this, however, is not what I've come here to say.
This realization, which was one of the many, many things swirling about in my head keeping me awake (can't write about them all in this finite time I have), this realization led me to think about my life. And what I realized next was this:
I'm solidily, clearly, unambiguously -- middle age.
This led to me thinking about - for some reason - old people. One can, if one wants, split life up into three main stages - young, old, and middle age. I'm clearly middle age - not only by being in the middle of my statistical life span - but also in my values, norms, life-style, etc. I had always thought of middle age as the boring stage - and here I am - balking at having a fish at work because it's just too radical. Which is how, I think, I got to thinking about old age. That's my next stage, after all. But I tend to think of it as actually less boring than middle age. Or at least it can be.
Some old people seem to be like the walking dead - animated but not really living. But many seem to find a renewed life. I've seen it happen many times. Boring middle age people grow into interesting characters. In fact, I'd often thought of old people as being rather caricature-like, with their funny exaggerated looks and ways.
This got me thinking about what I meant by caricature - which I realized is really just old people losing their self-conciousness - their being themselves - honest in a living life way.
This then got me thinking about kids. They're the same way. That's one of the things we love about kids. Their honesty is refreshing and fun. This got me thinking about how God has told us that we have to approach him like little children. I think this means honestly like little children are honest, living and being without being overly self-conscious. Maybe that's what the old folks are doing - the ones we admire for their renewed candor. Maybe they've learned to be honest in a way that God wants us all to be -- like little children.
The fish and frog are out of the office. They really did have to go. But I didn't have to be self-conscious about them. I still have a lot to learn in this life, and I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful wife to help me with that. I'll continue my struggles with myself and with becoming whatever it is God wants me to be. I do think there is hope for me yet!
I should probably also note that I am not longing for old age, not by any means. Nor do I wish to be younger. This is truly the greatest period of my life. I've never known such joy and contentment. I'll still complain about things, and still struggle with things, but I am finally truly happy. Thank you God for a wife who would bring me a fish and frog to brighten my workplace!
First published on MySpace on April 28, 2005
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment