Fear

I've heard many sermons, and read many Christian writings, about fear.  There are lots of good quotes about fear.  And I've been thinking a lot about fear.

Why all the focus on fear?  Well, fear is a dangerous thing.  A very dangerous thing.  Much of the bad that goes on in the world is rooted in fear.

I think way too much of my life has been driven by fear.  And I think it's done a lot of damage to me. 

I've been thinking about this - and it definitely rings true.  Much of the impact has been in stopping me from doing things - often it stopped me from living.  Probably the best example is with dating.  I did very little dating, but it wasn't because I didn't want to.  It was because I was always afraid.  The very little dating I did do was almost always with women who were socially aggressive - they almost always made it very clear that I should ask them out (or, more often, they just flat out asked me out first).  Off the top of my head, I can only think of one woman that I dated - sort of - who didn't - and that was only sort of dating (a couple movies - a couple dinners - but it almost seemed more like friends hanging out)

Fear is, I think, the root of most if not all anger.  I think most of the fights (by which I mean angry verbal exchanges) that I've had with Kara, at least those I've participated in (we both occasionally actually somehow don't let the other bait us - and one of will be fighting and the other not! :) -- but that doesn't happen often enough) -- most of those angry words from me have been rooted in fear.  Most often, fear that I might lose her.  I wonder what the root of her anger has been?   

Perhaps more damaging to me, though, was the impact of fear on life actions - rather than on arguments with my wife or on stopping actions.  Specifically, I've been thinking a lot about my career decisions.  I spent a lot of time in jobs that seemed to have the sole purpose of toughening me up.  But, the problem with that, is that I'm not a tough guy.  I don't think I was ever supposed to be a tough guy.  Whenever I put on the tough guy suit I've never felt comfortable - and often I've actually felt pretty horrible.

But growing up I remember the worst feeling I had - and I had it a lot - was feeling weak.  I hated feeling weak.  And so I've spent most of my life trying to feel strong.  But I think I've done it all the wrong ways.  I've done it by trying to be something I'm not.  One doesn't have to be a tough guy with a tough guy job to feel strong.  In fact, since those jobs never really fit me well, they tended to just make me feel all that more weaker - but I could still hide behind the role and kind of convince myself that I was strong.

And, although I've abandoned the tough-guy jobs, I really haven't stopped seeking strength.  I was a Union shop steward for awhile - in part because I wanted to help people (which I think is more in line with the real me) - but also in part because it's a strong guy role.  You get to beat up on management (figuratively of course).  That did have the advantage of being at least a little in line with the real me - since I was helping people (compared to the Army, for example, where while you are protecting the nation, that's a pretty theoretical fact - whereas in the day to day reality the job is about killing people - or in my case helping others kill people -- a good job for some types of people, maybe, but probably not me being true to myself).

I've wondered a lot about why I had that overwhelming desire to be baptized.  I note it was definitely during a period when I was feeling very weak and fearful.  And I now thinking on all this, I suspect that I wanted to be baptized because I wanted to feel strong.  I hoped it would make me feel less weak.  And it did.  But, it wasn't an absolute.  It didn't take away the struggle.  I still feel far to weak.  I'm hoping that if I keep reading the Bible and keep listening to religious audio books and keep going to church and keep hanging out with godly people - I'm hoping that I'll find some of God's strength - and I'm hoping that I'll find this to be the kind of strength that does fit me well.

Ok - so that was quick thoughts on this - I'll have to work on it some more later.