On Being Baptized

A couple weeks ago, the pastor asked if I wanted to say a few words at the baptism as to why I wanted to be baptized. I started working on this at that time, but I found that summing it up in a few words would be impossible, especially since I’m still trying to work it out in my head. I do know that I’d been thinking about baptism occasionally ever since I decided I was a Christian (a title gifted to me about eight years ago by a very thoughtful pastor who said “Christian” means I’m seeking a relationship to God and that – for me – the best way to seek that relationship is through Jesus Christ. That was the first time someone defined “Christian” in a such a way that I could accept it for myself.) The following is what I’ve got so far on the subject:



---


Why be baptized?

Quite frankly, I’m not sure I know.

One of the things I’ve learned about myself, is that I often will come to a decision based on my intuition or based on my heart – and then I’ll spend a lot of time in my head trying to rationalize the decision to myself.

I’m catching myself doing that now with my decision to be baptized.

About eight years ago I became a Christian. When I say I became a Christian, I mean I decided Jesus Christ was the best way for me personally to seek a relationship with God. I don’t think that is necessarily the best path for everyone. But if I understand at least three very intelligent and thoughtful pastors that have been in my life – I don’t have to think that Christ is the best path for everyone else in order for me to be a Christian.

After making the decision that I was a Christian, I’ve occasionally given thought to the idea of being baptized.

But I never really felt myself moved to do it, and no one was pushing me to do it, and I didn’t really understand it.

But then, recently, I found myself in a personal crisis. I had spent the three years after my Mom’s passing feeling very distant from God – and from most everyone else for that matter. I had turned inward and was focusing only on myself – with only some outward focusing on my kids. Nothing else mattered. I was in pain much of the time. I felt like I was isolated, persecuted, rejected. I felt very alone.

I kept expecting things to get better – but they were only getting worse. I finally sought help, which made things even worse in the short run, but eventually better. As I was coming out of the dark place that I had crashed into, I kept finding myself feeling I needed to be baptized. I really don’t know why. My head hasn’t yet made sense of it.

My heart wants it, but I can’t explain why. I don’t know why.

I do know that I don’t want to feel alone and rejected anymore. I know that I want to be part of something bigger than myself. I know that I want to be moving forward instead of looking back. I know that I want to be the best father I can be to my children. I know I want to be the best husband I can be to my wife.

I don’t know why – I really don’t understand it - but my heart tells me that being baptized is now needed if I want to proceed much further on my journey toward God.


---


I believe it was one of the pastors who asked if we wanted to also have the kids baptized at the same time. I thought, if it was something I needed, maybe the kids needed it too. I’m still not sure where I am on the issue of infant baptism versus adult baptism – but I decided for me I’d rather err on the side of caution. Kara and I discussed it, and we decided to have the kids baptized.

Not everyone gets to be baptized with their children – and it made it all that much more a special occasion for me. Both kids did great, and someone (I still don’t know who he is) gave me a great gift afterwards.

I was baptized first, before the kids, in part so that they would see me doing it and so not be upset by it when it was their turn. While I was being baptized, all my focus was on the pastor and what he was saying and doing, so I didn’t see what the kids were doing. Afterward, however, some man came up to me and said he was especially moved by watching Clark watch me be baptized.

I realized then just how much a factor that was in why I was wanting to be baptized in the first place. I desperately want to be a good father to my kids, I want my kids to be good people, and I know that the best way to teach my kids anything is to be a good example for them. I’m no longer living this life for myself.

It’s a heavy burden living your life for others – and I don’t think I can go it alone. I need the support that I had always felt was there from the older folk in my family. But they can’t stick around forever to help me. I need something much bigger. And so I’m intentionally and consciously pushing myself further on my journey toward God.

My life hasn’t changed radically in the week and a half since I was baptized. I didn’t feel all my burdens fall away. But I have felt a little calmer, a little steadier. I feel like I’m getting my feet back under me. I feel like I’m moving toward something instead of just treading water.